Today I thought I might do a bit more of a serious post that is something that has effected me and can take a huge toll on anyone.

So going back about 3 and a half years ago I was in at the child health nurse with my second daughter having her weekly check up and it was one of those check ups where they ask us mum’s the question of “How are you doing?” and to me it was a bit of a hard question to answer because I didn’t really no how I was feeling, I was happy that my little girl was healthy and finally here, I was happy that my first daughter adored her sister but I had this deep down feeling of emptiness (would be the best way to describe it). As I sat there and she talked to me I guess it just all started to get overwhelming and I started to cry, for the first time in a long time so I was sent on to talk to a doctor about how I was feeling.

About a week later my doctor’s appointment came around and the girls where with my mum, so I sat there in the doctor’s office for half an hour explaining to the best of my ability how I felt. I finally came to the conclusion that I had post-natal depression, I was in a very unhappy home not because of my girls but because of my relationship with my second daughter’s father and myself and I also discovered what I had always taken as me needing to be clean that I had OCD in regards to my body.

To explain the OCD a bit more it pretty much meant that each day I would wear a pair of rubber gloves a minimum of 4 times because I couldn’t stand the feeling of being dirty. Whether it was making a sandwich or mixing meat up for dinner to cleaning food mess off a table. I knew deep down it had been a problem for a while but never even thought that it was a serious enough one but it got to the point that I couldn’t even walk on the beach without having a panic attack due to the idea of the sand on my body, I struggled to pick my eldest up if she had food mess on her and was dirty in any way.

So getting back to that doctor’s room and getting the diagnosis of post-natal depression and OCD was I must say the biggest and scariest shock of my life, so we then worked out what I needed to do from there. I was prescribed medication to control both my problems and was sent to a mental health practitioner and I continued to see them for a month before I felt a little like myself again.

From there it has been a very long road, I made a lot of life changing decisions, firstly that my relationship with my second daughter’s father wasn’t working and that we were better friends than partners, I slowly learnt how to deal with all my feeling and emotions so that I didn’t feel like they were going to consume me and I learnt how to control my OCD.

After learning to pretty much build my life back up and the face that my now husband and I had become a lot closer and I realized the extent of my feelings that I still had for him from the many years before and how much he had helped me become the person I now was and am today. We decided to start a relationship and within 6 months of us starting our relationship my doctor said I could try going off my medication due to the major changes in my life and true enough it had all worked. I still have my days where I can’t stand mess and I get in my head about it but I have learnt to live with it and my husband helps that a lot.

So i guess my biggest thing I want to say is if you have feelings you don’t understand or that you feel like you need help, then ask because I’m sure there will be someone that is always willing to help and listen and remember to keep smiling 🙂

Talk again soon CC ❤