Ok ok ok I no I no I have been absent for quite a few months and I have sat down and tried to write I can’t even remember how many times but I just haven’t been able to. You see I started this journey wanting to show you a little bit into my life with 4 kids but along the way I got in my head and let my struggles stop me from expressing them with you all but as I have been told I started this to show the good, the bad and the ugly side so I should try to share.

Mental health is a scary thing and effects so many but in many different ways. So throughout my life so far I have suffered and struggled with my mental health but in general I have been able to control it and not let it take over my life. My mental state as bad as it has been normally has never effected my children or those around me as I have done probably one of the worst things you can do which is suffer in silence. You see I have this really bad habit of just trying to deal with what I’m feeling on my own and not letting the one’s closest to me help me with my struggles and it’s normally only when I can’t possible hold them in anymore that the dam I have been trying so hard to keep intact actually burst and the one I’m with sees all my troubles I have held inside.

As of late my mental health hasn’t been great and not to long ago it took one person to say something which brought the flood gates down and I was lucky that my hubby was there to help pick up the pieces and keep my calm. I am lucky that when this happened it was at night after the kids were all in bed so it is not something that they have ever had to witness. So I am going to try and explain some of my struggles with you so that if there is anyone else out there that is or could be struggling just know that you are not alone. Their are other out there that may be going through the same thing and there are people out there.

With the current situation of our world as most people are doing our family is isolating but my husband is still an essential worker. So since last term I have had all 4 of my children as well as having 2 other family members who are staying with us at home constantly and have now started home school due to the school closing down. I have to say I am glad I am not a teacher and have to do this all the time as I can definitely say I do not wish to be one and can’t wait for school to open back up. So I have been trying to keep a one and a half year old and a three year old entertained as well as teach prep and year one and help 2 high schoolers also.

With my husband being an essential worker we are lucky that he still has a job but it definitely is still scary with him leaving for jobs because you just never know how careful everyone else is being but even with that being on my mind the hardest thing with his work is the hours. I have previously posted about his job and how it is meant to be 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off but since he has been there it has been very rare for him to actually get his 2 weeks off and over the last 6 months at least it has been getting worse to the point of him working 8 or more weeks at a time and then only getting a couple of days off and starting all over again. That has left me very much feeling like I am on my own and having to explain to the kids why he isn’t home that much. We have been trying to work around the distance with video calls and spending as much time when he is home but we also then need to juggle everything else that needs to be done around the house.

But within myself the biggest struggle I have had is over the past few years and the changes that have gone on in my life I feel like I have lost bits of me and changed a lot and as much as I would like to say I like the new me I can also say that I am not to happy of the changes and I have struggled to come to terms with them. I am working hard to become happy with the person I am now but it definitely is a daily struggle and takes time.

I hope this explain a little why I have been so absent and I promise to pick up my game and work harder to keep you all involved 🙂

Talk again soon CC ❤